copyright: i own and control these characters and the world they’re stuck in.
sex/subtext: subtext? of course.
violence: a smidge, yes.
feedback: can be directed to me at red_hope@yahoo.com
webpage: http://www.redhope.net
MST mailing list: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MST1153
started: August 28, 2003 – Thursday
Series 3: Putting the Puzzle Together Series Number: 19 Story Number: 57
Maryland State Trooper #1153
by Red Hope
Part XLV
Katia remained rather tense in the passenger's seat and mainly because her friend had yet to say a single word. She tried to distract herself from the tension by staring out the window and watching the passing store fronts on main street.
Ashley gripped her steering wheel a little tighter than needed but she kept herself sedated. She'd finally concluded how to approach this topic with her best friend without dropping too many bombs. She knew she couldn't avoid upsetting Katia so she'd come to accept the fact that there was just no easy way.
When Ashley drove out of the Rehoboth area and took the road down to Harbeson, she felt ready to talk to Katia. After she set the cruise control, she relaxed back into her chair.
Katia chewed on the inside of her mouth some. She finally turned her head away from the side window and now stared out the front one.
"If you didn't want her to hit on me then why did you purposely leave to let her?"
Katia sighed and glanced at her friend, who wasn't looking at her at all. "I didn't know, Ashley."
The state trooper flashed a trying look at her friend. "Bullshit, Katia."
Katia folded her arms over her chest, her stubborn streak already coming to life. "I saw you looking at her, Ashley… I figured you wanted to talk to her."
"If I was that interested I would have gone up to her," cut in Ashley. "And when she does approach me, you come back to scare her off." She sucked in a heavy breath and darkly looked at Katia. "Why?"
Katia refused to answer by turning her head around, looking back out the passenger window.
Ashley held back her frustrated growl and let it go for awhile longer. She'd get her answer one way or another but she wouldn't do it when she was getting angry. When they came to Pinewater Road she decided to try again but from a straight forward route. "Why were you jealous, Katia?"
"I was not jealous," shot back the tense young woman. "Why the hell would I be jealous?"
Ashley pulled into her mother's driveway and went around the stone circle to the parking area. "Why don't you tell me?" She grabbed the gear handle on the console and slammed it into the parking position.
Katia was already unbuckling her seatbelt and saying, "Because there's nothing to tell, Ashley. So just leave it alone." Without another word, Katia threw open the door, got out, and harshly slammed it shut.
Ashley was just as fast as she turned off her Mercedes and leapt out of the car. "I don't think so, Katia." She shoved the car key away into her pocket as she slammed the door. "I am tired of this bullshit."
Katia glared across the roof of the car. "What bullshit is that, huh?"
The state trooper took a deep breath and she quickly moved around the front of the car to Katia's side. "I'm tired of you hiding, Katia," she gently explained. "Aren't you?"
"I'm not hiding anything," hissed Katia and she stepped back but Ashley grabbed her by the wrist.
"Yes you are, Katia."
Katia's expression grew darker and she snapped, "And what's that Detective Carver?" When her comment caused a hurt look on Ashley's face, Katia broke free of Ashley's contact and started to walk off.
Ashley ran her hand through her hair and called out, "It is okay to be yourself, Katia."
Katia stopped dead and the stones under her feet rolled and crunched under her weight. She looked back over at Ashley from her shoulder. "No it's not, Ashley… haven't you figured that out yet?"
The state trooper shook her head and slowly made her way to her friend's side. "You don't think I understand what's going on here, K?" She grasped her best friend's shoulders. "Don't you think I was scared to lose my family too? I had a hard enough time understanding what was going on with me when it happened."
Katia turned away from the older woman when she heard the confession. She tried to pretend that she didn't understand Ashley's connotations but she clearly did.
Ashley sighed and her fingertips touched under Katia's chin so that she could turn Katia's face back to her. "Katia, you are who you are… accept that and be happy." She dipped her head down closer to Katia's when she saw Katia closed her eyes. "I denied the fact too that I was attracted to women. Don't you think I've had the thoughts of wanting to just be normal so I can fit in?" Ashley moved her hand from Katia's face and now brushed back loose strands of blond hair. "It's not easy, Katia but it does get better when you accept yourself."
Katia felt the burning in her throat and the sting in her eyes but she controlled her emotions just enough. She finally opened her eyes and were met by concerned blue ones. "Ashley, it doesn't matter who I am." She breathed heavily and placed her hands on Ashley's waist for support. "I will lose my family if I were to…." She dropped her head and shook it. "I can't lose them, Ashley."
"So you're going to destroy yourself?" countered the state trooper. "What is your life worth living if you can't be yourself? You can't control who you are, Katia."
"No… I can't," slowly agreed the young woman. She lifted her head again to capture Ashley's gaze. "But I can control who I am with, who I sleep with… who I live with."
Ashley felt her stomach turnover but she controlled her disgust for Bobby. "You can't control who you love, Katia." To further her point, Ashley lowered her head closer to Katia's so that their lips almost met and she noted the instant sharp intake of air from Katia.
Katia pushed away and stepped back a few times as if she'd been stung. She had the most confused yet hurt look on her face when she focused on Ashley. She said nothing as the burning tears finally rolled down her cheeks, she turned and quickly went into the house.
Ashley growled after the side door shut. She fisted and unfisted her hands a few times as she walked over to her car. "Well that didn't go exactly as planned, girl." She motioned at the red car and approached the trunk, she leaned against it as she considered her talk.
She knew in truth it was only a matter of time before Katia gave into her desires and heart. At the same time, Ashley was concerned how it'd happen for Katia and she wanted it to as easy as possible. She knew she'd have better luck reaching Katia than any of Katia's friends. She just didn't know how much and how long it would take but maybe tonight's talk was just enough of a push.
After a few more decisions, Ashley pushed off her car and headed for the door. She already knew her mom was home but probably in her room resting so she felt no need to bother her. Lucus was most likely out catching up with old classmates from high school so it'd be several hours before he'd show up. And right now, Ashley was too exhausted to do anything but go to her room and zone out in front of her television.
Once getting settled into her bed with a teeshirt on and pair of shorts on, Ashley turned on her television and curled up under the covers. Her body warmed up the sheets comfortably and she'd decided on the Discovery Channel since they were having the FBI Files on tonight. She'd never admit she enjoyed this show and only secretly watched it when she was home alone. After the first thirty minutes, she started to drift off already but the quiet knocking on her door pulled her awake.
"Yeah," softly called Ashley. She lifted her head when the person came in and her heart sank when she saw how red Katia's eyes were from crying. She immediately sat up and since her bed was close to the door, she was able to capture Katia's hands. "Come here," she whispered.
Katia didn't fight her friend as she was pulled into the warm bed and under the covers. She wedged tightly into Ashley's body and arms as she felt her body warm against Ashley's.
Ashley settled the blankets back over both of them and tucked Katia's head under her chin. She murmured, "It'll be okay, Katia."
Katia automatically buried her head deeper into Ashley's neck and started crying again. She tightly clung to her best friend as she mumbled, "I don't want to hide anymore."
The state trooper just made out the words, she had to be sure. She pulled back some and brought her head closer to Katia's. "You don't want to hide?"
Katia shook her head and quietly whimpered as she dug back into Ashley's body.
"You don't have to anymore," whispered Ashley, her left hand running up and down Katia's back. "It'll be okay… promise." She kissed the top of Katia's head. "I'm here for you, K always."
Part XLVI
Katia pushed her back closer against Ashley and Ashley's arms instantly tightened around her. That made Katia smile as she continued to watch the show on tv. Her thoughts went back to their earlier conversation this morning and it made her chuckle.
Ashley raised an eyebrow from behind and she quietly asked, "What?"
The young woman grinned and teased, "I still can't believe you watch the FBI Files."
"And don't tell anybody," reminded the state trooper.
Katia smirked and said nothing as she watched
Ashley smiled to herself as she went back to watching the television. She was quite content despite her and Katia hadn't spoke about last night's conversation. She knew that would come later on but this morning she was content to hold her best friend like she always wanted to in time's past. She'd noticed too that Katia refused to put any space between them as they laid in bed together ever since last night. Ashley didn't plan on arguing either.
When the movie was over, Katia reached for the remote in front of her and turned the television off. Ashley readied herself for a serious talk when Katia rolled over to face her. Katia was staring at Ashley's neck briefly then lifted her eyes to Ashley's face.
"When did you figure out you were gay?"
Ashley breathed deeply as she formed the correct answer in her mind. "I just didn't figure it out one day, K." She freed one hand from Katia's hip and brushed back golden locks of hair from Katia's face. "I started to realize it when I was fourteen and it took a good… six years to figure out what I wanted."
"You said you've been with guys," curiously mentioned the young woman.
"Dated," corrected Ashley, "I've never sexually been with a guy."
Katia's expression shifted into surprise and she blinked a few times. "I thought…."
"You assumed," teased Ashley but she went serious again. "I've dated guys off and on at rare occasions because I wanted to understand myself better." She shrugged. "I couldn't get turned on by men… the heterosexual thing just never worked for me."
Katia chuckled and sadly smiled at that. "I can understand that," she murmured. "What about your family?" Her voice shook with caution and curiosity. "I can tell your mom and brother both know."
"They do," agreed Ashley. "My entire family knows and mostly everybody accepts it."
"Mostly?"
The state trooper nodded then further explained herself. "Thomas pretty much accepts it but still has a hard time here and there with it." She paused then quietly added, "My father doesn't accept it at all and just denies that I am… some phase I'm still working through."
Katia snorted because she'd guess that's what her father's reasoning would be too. "Have you talked to him about it?"
"I try," admitted Ashley, "but he either changes the topic or walks away." She shrugged. "What can I do? I have tried and it's in his hands now."
Katia mutely nodded.
The older woman dipped her head down some. She captured Katia's gaze and quietly added, "It won't be easy, Katia but I'll be there to help."
"How long did it take you to accept it?" whispered Katia.
Ashley held her breath as she calculated her time. "Awhile… I've had ten years so far to get use to this." She focused on her best friend again. "I think it took me a good three years to accept myself."
Katia absorbed all the information and she rolled on her back. As she stared at the ceiling, she gently ran her left hand up and down Ashley's closest arm. She turned her head to Ashley and stated, "When I get back I'm going to break up with Bobby."
Every alarm sounded in Ashley's head and her body instantly tensed. She quickly sat up and pulled her friend up with her. She noted the surprised look on Katia's face but she disregarded it. "Katia, don't rush this at all."
"Ashley, I'm not… I've been debating this for awhile now and I don't mean just this morning." Katia twined her hands through Ashley's and quietly spoke, "I want to be with you, Ashley."
Ashley's mind froze when she heard Katia's declaration then suddenly she was slammed by reminders of what will happen to Katia if she broke up from Bobby. She had to balance her role as state trooper and best friend without jeopardizing Katia's life. "Katia-"
"You were right," softly cut in Katia, "I can't control who I love."
Ashley sighed and squeezed her friend's hands. "I know," she assured, "but you can't move too quickly, Katia."
"I'm not asking you to marry me," joked Katia. "I'm just saying I want to break up from Bobby." She shrugged and added, "It's not fair on anybody. I'm not interested in him, I'm interested...." Katia took a heavy breath in and finished her sentence. "Interested in you, Ash." She squeezed Ashley's larger hands. "You've known this."
"Yes I have," agreed the trooper, "but you just need to take this slowly." She freed her right hand and pulled back some of her midnight hair that was irritating her. After she recaptured her friend's hand, she continued to talk. "You just got over one hurdle and there's no need to rush anything. I will be here when the time is right."
"I know," muttered Katia, her head fallen forward for a minute but then she lifted it back up. "I just don't understand why I need to stay with him."
"So you can take some time to clearly think this through," recommended the older woman. "Make sure this is the right decision and what you want to do." She paused then further closed the issue by saying, "You don't need to rush into anything and make a mistake."
Katia slightly shook her head because she still wasn't sure yet. Then Ashley's hand under her chin made her look up again.
"Just… trust me on this, K," mildly begged the state trooper. "Please?"
Katia considered it for a moment then she nodded her head. "I will… I'll think about everything."
"Thank you," whispered Ashley, "there's a lot to consider." She lifted her right hand that was held by Katia's and she gently pressed her lips against Katia's hand. As she lowered their hands, she quietly added, "I'm always here, K."
Katia nodded her head and despite how much was ahead of her she already felt better. She knew a lot of that had to do with having Ashley by her side. And for once, she didn't feel disgusted with herself when she felt her emotions for Ashley stir certain desires in her.