disclaimer
violence: i doubt there really will be any.
subtext: wouldn't be a good fanfic without some subtext or rather maintext.
copyright: yes, we all know i don't own X&G but i do burrow them. the plot and other non xena related characters are m i n e.
note: the timeline is a little after the death of Perdicus however, the story line on that episode is a little warped for my own use.
feedback: any feedback goes to me at red_hope@yahoo.com and thank you for reading!
homepage: http://www.redhope.net
started:
Series: Other Series Number: 14 Story
Number: 55
Inhobbok, Didn't You See?
By Red Hope
Section One
The Amazon Queen took a deep breath while slowly laying back into a tree. "Nice ride here?" she urged.
"It wasn't bad," quietly replied Xena. "How are things here?"
Gabrielle gazed about her Amazon territory in the woods. "Not… too bad."
"That's good." The warrior crossed her arms over her chest, took a couple of steps away and leaned against a tree herself.
"How have you been?"
Xena shrugged. "Same old."
The bard corked an eyebrow at her friend. "That good huh?"
Xena faintly shrugged again but turned her head away to gaze up at the stars. She'd just arrived in the Amazon Nation about twenty minutes ago. She'd already settled Argo down and put her stuff away in a guest hut but Gabrielle wanted a walk together. So now here she was, in the Amazon forest having a chat with her past partner.
Gabrielle noticed Xena's attention was off her and she faintly grumbled. "So… what you've been doing?"
"The usual," simply replied the warrior.
"Mmmm." The bard pierced her lips together then turned her head away. She lifted her eyes to the silver moon. "Thank you for coming."
"You're welcome." Xena licked her lips and continued looking at the night sky through the branches and leaves. After a few minutes of silence, she could feel the tension. She looked at her friend. "So why the late night walk? You wanted to talk about something?"
Gabrielle's head suddenly dropped down at Xena's questions. "Yeah… I do, Xena."
"Thought so."
The Amazon Queen almost groaned at her friend's words. She took a deep breath and quietly said, "I'm going through some rough things."
"Yeah? From what happened with Perdicus and Callisto?" urged the warrior.
"In part, yes," whispered the Queen.
Xena raised her eyebrow but still wasn't looking at Gabrielle. "What else could it be?"
"Xena, you know what it is." Gabrielle shook her head and stared at the dark, almost black grass. "For some reason, everything that's happened between us has suddenly… hit me."
"And?"
"And…." Gabrielle lost her words. She'd thought out all of her words days before tonight, trying to plan it out. Now though, she'd just lost all memory of them and she knew this wasn't going to be easy. "And… I'm not sure."
"Hmmmm." Xena said nothing else as she continued studying the sky.
"Xena?" whispered the bard. She waited for her friend's attention to come to her. She slowly saw empty blue eyes rest on her finally. "Do you still… you know, waste tears?"
The warrior knew what Gabrielle meant but asked, "What you mean exactly?"
"Just…." Gabrielle shook her head and whispered, "Do you still cry about me or us or what happened?"
Xena felt a cynically grin crease her lips. She finally replied, "If I tried to cry… I couldn't anymore, Gabrielle." Her grin disappeared when she turned her head away. "You're softer than me, Gabrielle. You have to cry to get your emotions out. Why so surprised?"
"I just… I don't know why I still cry about it all."
"It's your way of mourning. Sooner or later… it'll stop and it'll all fade away." Xena knew Gabrielle wouldn't say much else at this point so she decided to add something more. "Trust me, Gabrielle… it'll get easier. I was your first girlfriend… first person you really became serious about. I just think it'll be a bit harder to… detach."
"You know, I would almost agree with you," countered the bard, "but one thing makes me not."
"What's that?" asked the curious warrior.
Gabrielle took a shaky breath then explained, "Okay, I agree I cry… a lot and maybe for mourning or whatever. But what bothers me is the fact that nobody ever, ever could make me cry like this." She shook her head, a confused look on her face. "Sure once in awhile my parents could make me cry. I mean, as soon as I think the smallest thought about you… I start to choke up. Its like you can tap into every part of me, Xena."
"You cried for Perdicus," reminded Xena.
"Yes of course," agreed the bard, "but not that much. I wouldn't cry now… I think enough about what happened between us, I'll be in tears."
The warrior lowered her head and stared at her boots.
"I mean… how you get over somebody you're in love with huh?" Gabrielle looked directly at her friend.
Xena looked across to her; she saw Gabrielle's eyes were watering over now. "Maybe using someone as a rebound, I know that's a way you can do it…." suggested Xena.
Gabrielle shook her head while looking away. "I know Perdicus was a rebound… I'm not as strong as you, Xena."
"Hey rebounds work."
The Queen felt her shoulders slump down. "Okay… I know that was a pathetic thing to do. I admit I'm weak, Xena. I mean… everyday I have to live with what happened to Perdicus." She bit her quivering lip. "I regret it."
Xena shook her head and whispered, "You'll move on, Gabrielle and it's not the end of the world."
"No, it's not the end of the world," agreed the bard. "But my world… that is another story."
"Just think about it… Ephiny and Solari broke apart, everybody thought they were forever. Now look at Eph, she's with Eponin."
Gabrielle groaned at her friend's example. "Xena, the Amazons are a soap opera. That would never count."
Xena shrugged then said, "It still tells you something though huh?"
"Yes, that a soap opera is easier than living life. I'm better off sticking my love life in my stories than living them."
The warrior grunted at what Gabrielle said. "I'm sure plenty of others would like that too. But you have it much easier than others, Gabrielle."
"You know, I may have in some ways. But here, I have Amazons that expect things of me." She looked at Xena. "Expectations are hard to fulfill." She turned her attention away. "Besides, I would have much rather of had your life than my own."
"Why?" whispered the Warrior Princess.
"Then… at least I'd learned to be strong like you." The small woman slid down the tree trunk some and bent her knees out. "I don't know why but I've always wanted a hard life. That was just another reason why I was attracted to you… I admire your strength."
Xena chuckled some at that and quietly stated, "And I wouldn't mind being able to express myself with a few words." She looked down at her friend. "It's frustrating at times." She shrugged then said, "You'll move on in time, Gabrielle. It'll get easier and you'll find somebody for yourself."
"You know, Xena." Gabrielle looked up quickly, her eyes were watery again. "I had somebody real special… and I was happy, really happy."
"Well we made our decisions and agreed on it. That was the last thing we did together," stated Xena. "After that, you blocked me out like I was worthless."
"Xena, I didn't want to block you out."
The warrior gritted her teeth and hotly whispered, "Well you did and you dropped me so quickly to return to your Amazons." She paused, her angry eyes locked on the bard. "For the second time… you left me."
Gabrielle suddenly stood up and took a few steps closer. "I wanted to see my Amazons again. What is so wrong with that?" she almost yelled.
"Because you chose them over me," hotly replied the warrior.
"Oh right…." Gabrielle came closer to her best friend. "And like you didn't miss your mother while we were on the roads. So it was okay for you to miss her and not for me to miss my Amazons, my family?"
"I never took off for Amphipolis like you did to the Amazons. I stayed beside you, no matter what just like you always wanted," growled the warrior.
The bard closed her eyes as her tears finally started to roll down her cheeks. "I just missed them."
"I could tell, when you left earlier than you originally planned," angrily stated the warrior.
"Why was it so bad of me to miss my family?" whispered the bard.
"And you never will from my point of view. My point is… you left me twice and could have waited until after that mission to see the Amazons and spend more time with me."
Gabrielle lowered her head some as her tears were coming out more freely. "I only pushed things up sooner because I was hoping you'd stop me."
"Stop you?" yelled Xena. "You had it well set in your head to do what you had to do."
"Xena, I wanted you to tell me not to go… to stay with you. Call it my warped sense of attention seeking."
"Gabrielle, you know I cannot speak my emotions," reminded the warrior. "I speak through my actions. I showed you my support, I didn't stop you." Xena fully faced the small bard. "I let you go, and in the remaining days I showed you my need for you." She took a few steps closer to her friend. "I acted out my need for you and you ignored it all."
Gabrielle felt her throat ache now and her tears warmer than before. "I didn't ignore them," she whispered.
"Yes you did, Gabrielle." Xena shook her head, anger in her expression. "You listen very well but you cannot watch carefully." She turned around and walked off but not without saying, "I heard you and you never watched me." She stopped and slowly turned around. "You know what, Gabrielle? No matter how much I act on my love for you… it wouldn't be enough for you."
Gabrielle lifted up her tear stained face. "Yeah you're right. You know why?" She came closer to her friend. "Because I'm so crazy about you that just being able to see you, hear you, be with you will never be enough. If there were a million copies of you, it wouldn't be enough nor as good as the real thing. By the gods, the only way I could ever be satisfied is if I were apart of you, Xena. Don't you understand that? Don't you see that? I'm so passionate about you."
Xena had turned around and was just studying the Queen.
"I'm sorry if its too much, Xena but its how I feel about you." She neared the Warrior Princess some but stayed far enough away. "You want to talk about actions? I left my family for you, ran away from home to be with you, to keep you. I left the only place I called home to do something totally new. I took on your way of life just to be with you." She paused then said, "I'm not saying this to guilt you but to show you that I was trying everything in my power to be with you."
"Then why in Hades did you leave me not once but twice, huh?" loudly asked the warrior.
"Because I wanted to hear you say just once that you needed me to stay," she uttered then fell into her tears. She turned around and walked away, trying to hide her tears from Xena. "I was being selfish," she whispered, "I know that now and I've realized I never watched you carefully enough. By the gods if I ever had a second chance, I'd never be so one-sided again."
"Gabrielle, I don't think I could be with you again."
The small bard again looked to her friend. "You know, I want to be with you again so badly but… I'm not sure I'm the right one."
"You've already told me that before," reminded the warrior.
"Yes, because I hurt you… I'm selfish." Gabrielle ran her fingers through her hair. "How could low scum like me be right for you? I don't want you around me so then I can't hurt you." She bit her lower lip hard. "You realize it was the best thing we could have done to separate?" Her reddish eyes lifted up to the warrior. "It finally taught me to value things more, value you more, and I've come to learn so much about you. There are so many things I would change, for you and never question your love for me. And this separation has hurt me more than anything else; I deserve this pain, Xena." Gabrielle felt the pain of the past months rise up and she could only sit on the ground and cry.
Xena was clamping her jaw down as she looked away but listened to Gabrielle cry. She tried to remain standing on her own two feet like she always had done in the past.
"You wanna know something real great too?" whispered the bard between her tears.
"What's that?" uttered the warrior.
"After everything has been said and done, after I've sat down and thought about everything. I remembered my own quote of actions speaking louder than words; I finally stood by that quote. I stopped…." Gabrielle lost her words as she tried to control her emotions with little success. "When I finally stopped looking from my eyes, looked from yours, and I saw everything you've done for me. You did tell me in so many ways how you needed me and in your eyes I betrayed you by leaving you." She pulled her legs up in front of her chest and wrapped her arms over her legs. "And what's so funny is the fact after all of this, I now realize all your love for me. I wouldn't need your attention to prove it to me because now I see it." She paused while dropping her head and whispering, "I don't question your love anymore, I have all my faith in it… and now it's too late."
Xena remained still as she took in what Gabrielle just told her. She could not say anything nor could she do anything.
Gabrielle was lightly shaking her head as she cried even harder. She felt her self anger, her darkness came to life again and it was trying to swallow her. She knew she would probably never be allowed back in Xena's life again. Xena was too angry and in so much pain for the betrayal, lack of faith, misunderstanding, and for never letting Xena be Xena. She also knew Xena was too fearful that such a game would repeat again let alone feel emotions once more especially something like pain that could rip her apart.
Gabrielle knew now she'd wronged and hurt the one person she'd promised she never would. She would never expect a second chance at a relationship from her friend no matter how badly she wanted it. Instead she would work to earn some scrap of Xena's forgiveness in hopes one day it would release Xena from her anger and pain.
The End